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Discovering Pleasure

An important key to intimacy is open communication both between you and yourself, your mind your body and between you and your spouse.

We are so often rushed, moving rapidly through our day that we do not enable ourselves to find time and space to enjoy intimacy.

The following exercise, quite detailed,[pay close attention to the details they are important]  is devised to allow you to open the space and time.

If you both desire to try this exercise read it through together or individually.

Set up a day, and a time when you both know you can be available for at least an hour,[ perhaps two ] without thoughts of needing to do, or go, or be somewhere else.

For some couples late evenings are ideal, for others, it may not, work out what is best for you.

It is helpful to set up your date in advance, allowing time to anticipate and prepare, and avoid last minute complications.

Decide who will be responsible for the ambience.  This means that he/she will prepare the room in a way that will be pleasing when your spouse enters the room.  The ambience of space lends itself to a continued relaxed atmosphere.  There are endless ideas, be creative.    

Let’s say you have decided on Tuesday evening 9pm.

Begin to wind down around 8:30pm.  Telephone calls are completed,[phones should be turned off] whatever you would like to have settled in your home has been completed or left for another time.   Try and stop the world for the next hour or two that you have insured for one another.

Prepare yourselves in a manner you feel is both pleasing to yourself and your spouse.


At 9pm you both enter the room in which you engage in  the exercise.


Wear comfortable clothing, and sit facing each other in an easy and relaxed position, on your bed, on the floor.


Decide together who will begin.

Please review the script below, note that you do not need to use the exact words. Please try and make the words your own, in a way the message will be clear.


The purpose of the exercise as stated above, is to advance and broaden communication to open your pathways to pleasure.


Take a moment to breathe in and out, shake out your limbs and sense relaxation.


Please note the options as they are important in sensing and what is right for each of you and for you together.

Be sure to read this exercise to the end and the different options before you begin.


For the purpose of this article we will be with him as the receiver and she as the giver. Feel free to begin as you like.


The exercise is in three parts.  5-10 minutes of giving and receiving for each, and then a few minutes of discussion.

First, sense and listen to what your body would like, then ask your spouse to touch you in place and in a way that you sense will be pleasurable for you

Option number one:


Him:  It would feel good to me if you stroked my shoulders.

Her:  I would be happy to, how would you like me stroke them?

Him: mmm, I think I light touch with your fingertips would be nice.

Her: Sure, my pleasure.


Adjust yourselves to a comfortable position where she can stoke your shoulders.

As she does, bring awareness body to your feelings.   Where the sensations begins, travels and ends.  

Is it pleasurable for you?

If you are enjoying, tell her.

If there is something else you would like covey that as well.



Her: [as he is stroking her shoulders] that’s really nice, but I think it would be even better, if you would apply a little more pressure,


Could you also touch with the palm of your hand, that would be nice

Or: mmm that’s nice, could you stoke my back as well.  


Allow yourself to say what is pleasant and give over the message.

Know how to relate something that is not pleasant.



Him:  I thought that it would feel good, it’s not, would it be ok if you stoked my back?

Her: sure, how would you like me to do it?  Also with my fingertips?

Him: That would be nice, maybe just with your hands.

Her :{ beginning to stroke her back,} how’s that?

Him: Great. Do you think you could give me small kisses on my back?

Her:  Thanks for asking, I’d love to.


Continue for 5-10 minutes then switch roles


Option number two:


HER:  I think it would be nice if you stroke my shoulders.

HIM:  I am sure that would be nice for you, but I don’t feel comfortable stroking your shoulders.  If there something else I could do for you?

HER:  ok, [thinking, feeling her body, what else could be nice?] could you gently kiss my stomach?

HIM: sure, I would be delighted, how would you like me to do it.

HER: you decide and I will let you know.


Again, adjust to a comfortable position, and as he begins to kiss her, she will comment, letting him know it if is going well.  And if it is not, she can also gently tell him to stop and request something else.  Be sure to convey and acknowledge and thank each other for the effort, pleasure, and time to you give to each other.


The pleasure of the touch, should continue for 5-10 when the couple should stop.

At this point, they should engage in a conversation in which the following questions are given attention.

  1. Did this exercise help you to understand something about yourself that you were not aware of till now?
  2. Did this exercise help you to understand something about your spouse that you not aware of till now.
  3. What was   positive?
  4. What was negative?  What could help the negative become more positive?

Many of us are not aware that all of our skin has sexual potential, though there are areas with higher sexual energy than others.  

Allow time to enjoy the luxury of discovering your spouses and your pleasures and arousal.


It is important that the receiver and giver are both having pleasure receiving and giving.  Touching in this way can open the vistas of our skin and body and help become attuned to awakening pleasures.

One should never be in the position of giving or receiving something that is not pleasant to them.


One final note, communication is not always verbal, couples can convey feeling in breathing, sighs, voices, body movements.   Learn together your own codes….

And, if you find you are feeling silly and laugh, enjoy the laughter.
Written by:
Phyllis Jesselson
MSW from Yeshiva University Certified Sex Therapist from Bar Ilan University Madricha L'Kallot

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